Zac and I officially broke up on January 1st of 2008. And yet it has been back and forth every since. Even with the knowledge of him having a girlfriend in LA. I don't know who is worse in this one. Me, because I know, or him because he made that commitment to her. Whichever, we both win in the loser dept. Since we broke up, I went through this whole depression and got to depths of darkness that I didn't even know I was capable of. Finally these past few weeks, 3 weeks, I have started to force myself to get involved in my life. I need to figure out who I am and what I want out of life.
What is my motto?
How exactly do I like my food to taste?
Am I a girly girl or a tomboy?
What kind of movies do I like?
And some even more important questions, such as where has my faith in God gone? That's probably one of the most important ones. And in the meantime, I have to not let myself get so bitter about love or men for that matter. Zac broke me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. Finally tonight, I had to beg him to let me go, to not call me, to just stay away. In the last few weeks, I should have had more fun with the things I have done. I'm not saying that I didn't have fun at all, but it was always tempered with him still being there, calling me all the time..and of course us still sleeping together. It kept bringing me back to him, and it was not fair to. I kept getting stuck while he was able to move on. I could not fully enjoy the possibilities of where my life was going to take me. He was still there to remind me that my heart had just shattered. So finally I had to melt down. Not completely because if anything I can be thankful that I have gotten stronger in the last few weeks, but nonetheless, I cried and pleaded with him to stay away from me. And no, I don't think Zac and I will be going through with our plan to get back together in 6 months.
And now I have a goal. It's time for me to start living for myself, and I'm getting the hell out of Texas. I need to go somewhere for a fresh start. I need to lose myself to find out who I really am. And even through the considerable amount of tears that have been shed today(despite the numerous laughs I have experienced today outside of my encounter with Zac), I am just a little bit excited. Well, no actually terrified, but the twinges of excitement are there. Now maybe I can let myself feel it to it's fullest.